I always have a lot of interests, not only in what I do, but what I want to do. I am currently holding two part time, two freelance, and one volunteer jobs. It’s been like this for the past eight years, the last few of which I’ve grown restless and started thinking about going back to school. The problem is, with my diverse interests, I want to learn more about not just one subject. After much pondering, I managed to narrow it down to three areas: architecture, education, and society - which most people would consider as very wide still.
In 2004, I applied for the Fulbright scholarship and into a Ph.D. program in education, and I got rejected for both. In 2006, I tried my luck again with the Fulbright Ph.D. program, and this time I got through. I applied to 7 Ph.D. programs, six in architecture, one in education. I got rejected from all but accepted into two of my top choices, Harvard Graduate School of Education (HGSE) and UCLA School of Architecture, though not the Ph.D. program, but the master’s program.
After going through all that, I realize that going to the Master’s program at HGSE is the choice that I really want at this point, even if I had been accepted into the Ph.D. program in architecture.
But here’s the catch: I couldn’t use the Fulbright scholarship because it was allocated for a Ph.D. program in architecture. And the cost of not knowing what I really want in the first place? I will have to reapply for both the scholarship and the master’s program again this year and hopefully will get a matched result in both ends next year. No guarantee on either end.
Although I realized that this is partly my own fault, I start questioning whether one should always know what one wants in life. It’s probably easier for those whose strengths and skills obviously point to one direction. Even when I graduated from high school I didn’t know I was going to study architecture. But I was fortunate because the educational system I was in enabled me to test out my own strengths and skills.
Although I have diverse interests, they are means to a goal. So my life since graduation day has been about juggling in the in-between areas. And I must say I have again been very fortunate to stumble upon jobs that could accommodate my changing interests. Until I hit this wall.
And I realize that in most parts, our world and the systems build on, in, around, within, and beyond it, is still very much compartmentalized that it doesn’t leave room for changes. But considering that many things could happen (especially when we talk about a year), should not change be accommodated in systems?
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8 comments:
ppl are always fumbling in the dark - the thing is they always try to look like they can see perfectly well.
at least that's how i feel, after changing careers and directions so many times - i am sure i am going towards a more fulfilling life tho - even if it's not a linear path :)
that's the problem isn't it? while most of us individuals would acknowledge that we are fumbling in the dark most of the time, once we are institutionalized, we suddenly are required to know what we want by most institutions.
i agree that changing careers and directions lead us to more fulfilling lives, most unfortunately get tunneled into doing things that they don't want to do because of the systems that they don't question.
Hmm...sebenernya skarang pun saya berada di dunia in-between itu bu... no regret kok...walau semuanya terasa amat hectic dan berat skarang...tapi saya ngerti this process is worth it to do it... belakangan saya sempat berpikir juga tentang masa depan saya bu...apakah saya akan terus berada di bidang arsitektur ini -which recently i ever think that this isn't the right place for me-... terus berada disini...mencoba melawan segala sesuatunya dan coba menjalaninya terus?? I don't know..time will answer...someway.. I've also thought about my feature...what will I do after I graduated (which hopefully i can make it in another 2 years)...apakah mau memulai karir? apa mau memperdalam bidang ini..entahlah...malah sebenarnya saya lebih minat untuk pergi menyebrangi samudera untuk kuliah lagi dari awal, mengambil S1 di bidang yang saya sukai..apapun itu...mungkin tetap di seni rasanya...still i don't know what will i do...at least now i've the "mainframe" in my mind...someway...anyway...thanks for sharing...ur story always give me a lot of new thought... :)
regards...
Raynata
keep searching, Ray, and like John said, you'll be going towards a more fulfilling life ;)
Don't let ourself be immersed in the uncertainties of the future; let's not ask the question what if in post script. Unforeseen, that's why the future is so called.
People grow. And as they grow, it's only natural that interests & priorities change. Let's not let the system limit us, especially if we have already outgrown it.
So what do you suggest Muli? Generally and personally I mean. What would you do in my situation: reapply or get a loan? Would appreciate any input :)
Dewi,
You're way ahead of me on this so I don't know if my advice would mean anything. But it seems that you're looking for a change in career path (from architecture to education).
It's very common for PhD students to be paid by the university, both for tuition and living allowance, given that they've found a professor who is really tuned in on their research topic, and who can employ them in her projects. So you can always re-apply for the PhD next year, but maybe some advance lobbying with prospective professors is a good idea.
If you want to go for the Master's, it's not common to find someone who will pay you/provide you allowance without a catch. So you can take a student loan, but this makes economic sense if you're planning to work in US afterwards.
Muli, thanks for the advice. Yes, those are the hard choices I have to make soon.
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